The ‘wire tapps’ were me- my bad

Hi readers,

I just had a detailed dream in which I was talking to a variety of folks on the phone in my office in Canada, with a variety of problems. One named Michael said he was in legal trouble, and I advised him to seek immunity. One named Devin was head of a committee and ‘subjected to a smear campaign’. I advised him to step down.

One was named ‘Don’ and called multiple times, first with winning ‘a big prize’, and questions about whether he should get ‘outside help’ swaying public opinion to help him win. I said he should only do what is legal. He kept asking and asking if he could bend the rules a little so he can do it, and I said he had to follow his conscience. He asked me for advice on how to make sure people didn’t find out he had ‘gotten outside help’, and I told him to never do anything himself, and make sure if people had meetings, that it was never the same people twice. That confusing network of spies and Trump associates? I’m sorry, world, that was my fault.

‘Don’ asked me how he could become popular. I told him Americans love war and celebrities. He asked me if he should use Tomahawk or nuclear missiles. I explained nuclear winter to him and he asked if it would affect golf in Florida. I told him it would, and that it also would last about fifty to a hundred years. I have a  vague memory of his asking me if he could build a radiation shield dome that would enclose enough grass for a golf course. So I’m to blame if Trump starts World War Three, but at least he might wait a bit before using nukes.

It gets worse: I kept hearing the thoughts of ‘Don’ and friends, and repeating what was on their minds. Sergei Kislyak. The Seychelles. Hidden bank accounts full of Russian money. Money laundering via changing the odds on a casino in Saipan, which is close to Hawaii.

After a while, ‘Don’ accused me of having intel on him. I was pretty fed up by now- ‘Don’ needed lots of pampering and seemed to really want the future I painted for him, which was “military parades and flags and marches”, a future I personally do not want for myself or anyone I know. So I told him that I only had the information he had given me over the phone. His response? “So you’ve been wire tapping me.”

I knew this man was paranoid and kind of stupid, so I preyed on his paranoia and said, “Sure, we’ve been wire tapping you since the beginning. Everywhere you go, everything you do, we know about it.”

“Who’s we?”

“Your biggest enemy,” I said.

“So, Obama,” he said. “Then why haven’t you brought me in?”

“It’s an experiment,” I said. “And who says you aren’t being brought in?”

‘Don’ lost it at this point. He raged and foamed and accused me of being Susan Rice; I told him I had never gone by that name. He then asked me what agency I worked for. I said “U.N.C.L.E”, and then that I went by the name Agent Diamond.

“And that person you trust the most?” I said. “They’re double-crossing you. It’s only a matter of time.”

‘Don’ then proceeded to threaten me with all sorts of things, prison and waterboarding, execution. He told me my own name prior to my ending our dream conversation, having found my Twitter feed and my various blogs. He said he would smear me so no one would work with me, and when he realized I am bipolar he said he’d get me drugged up, in a straitjacket, unable to talk, and make sure they gave me drugs that would irreparably fry my brain. I told him the RCMP would have something to say about that. I am a Canadian citizen, only visiting the USA- though if ‘Don’ is to be believed, I might take a trip to Cuba. I hung up the phone.

So, world, Donald Trump’s my fault. His election and the bizarre behaviour of his administration can be placed at my feet, and I apologize deeply and sincerely- I really would have preferred that Hillary won.

It now remains to be seen if the FBI can uncover all the various links between Trump and Russia, and make sense of them all- and if they can find evidence of some kinds of crimes, not just shady associations. I sincerely hope for the safety of the world they find something quickly. I mean, come on, someone might persuade Trump that he can build a wall around Mar-A-Lago and it will be safe from nuclear fallout, in which case he won’t hesitate to bomb the shit out of us all.

The man is sick, dangerous, and willing to kill billions as long as he can keep golfing. If Marie Antoinette were reincarnated 70ish years ago, I’d place bets on her soul showing up in Trump.

I’m not really able to sleep now, but for all our sakes I hope this dream of mine was only a dream, and not a prophecy.