I discovered Tek Jansen in 2018. I was sad that the entire novel Stephen Colbert had been working on was not posted on the Tek Jansen website, but maybe someday he will publish it. I did buy and read the graphic novel, and so most of the information I gleaned about this character came from either the novel segments I came across, or the graphic novel. I had an issue with how Tek treated his robotic chimp sidekick C.A.S.E.Y., so I addressed that in this story, and I basically made up the rest. Clarisse Diamond is the name of a protagonist of a novel-in-progress I have set aside for the moment, but plan to get back to.
I actually am fairly certain I met Stephen at some point in my past, but it’s really quite impossible for me to contact him to ask. I did send this little story to his work address, hoping someone would read it and show it to him. In my past, if I saw him I never recognized him, and have no selfies to prove this was the case, so it’s still a matter of debate for whether I saw him or merely someone that looked like him. In any case, I recall talking to someone that looked like him on my doorstep in California, a long time ago, and I recall us talking about Jabberwocky. I added that tidbit in, too.
I hope you enjoy this little foray into fan fiction.
Spy Vs. Spy: A Tek Jansen Adventure
It was a sunny morning on the planet Califzona, and Clarisse Diamond angled her telephoto lens toward the hotel that the galaxy’s greatest hero, Tek Jansen, was currently asleep in. She aimed the lens toward the window of the penthouse suite. Her contact was in the window, a willowy green creature with leafy hair, photosynthesizing. She was not holding a cup of fertilizer. This was the signal- if Tek Jansen was with her, she would appear alone in the window, nothing in her hands.
Clarisse packed her equipment back in her tactical backpack and made her way down the rough scree of the slope she had been perched on. Only one thing to do. She had to use Tek Jansen’s notorious libido against him, gain his trust, and ferret out the secrets she needed to save her doomed home world from destruction. Tek’s government had set up robotic fracking sites on 90% of the small moon Ontington’s surface, sucking up its mineral wealth but destroying Ontington’s ecosystems and fragile tectonic crusts in the process- the only way to stop the machines was to gain access to codes that only Tek knew.
Could she rely on Tek’s better nature? Clarisse considered this as she made her way down to the doors of the Hotel Elegante, where Tek Jansen was staying. She didn’t know. She couldn’t take the chance.
The Hotel Elegante was hosting a pet show. Clarisse would find him and seduce him there.
She was booked into a room one floor below Tek’s suite, and carried her tactical backpack with its quantum-dimensional interior pockets, one of which contained a selection of evening gowns. The backpack was pretty heavy as a result, even though it only appeared to be a cubic foot in size. She placed it on the bed and the bed sagged somewhat.
Clarisse was about to take a shower when there was a knock on the door. She eyeballed the door with suspicion. Her contact was supposed to find Tek and then let her know what room he was in- she was supposed to leave after that. Who could this be? A maid?
Clarisse belted her hotel robe around her more tightly and answered the door.
“It’s this one, just go right in,” grated a gravelly voice. Clarisse blinked. At her door was a tall, muscular figure, fully dressed in a tight Spandex uniform complete with cape and epaulets, his dark hair curling down slightly over his forehead. Tek Jansen held up a glass container in which an ugly dark substance swirled.
“It’s right here,” said the substance.
“Meangar, I don’t think that this is the spa,” replied Tek.
“It’s not,” said Clarisse, slightly breathlessly. Tek, in person, was almost overwhelming.
Get the codes, girl, she told herself, sternly. She had a mission, the entire population of her native moon was depending on her.
“Sorry to have bothered you,” said Tek, and was about to turn away when Clarisse touched his arm.
“No, it’s fine. Is this your pet?” She gestured toward the swirling blackness in the glass jar.
“You’re an ugly loser and you’ll die alone,” grated the blackness.
“Isn’t it cute? This is Meangar,” replied Tek, patting the jar fondly.
“It’s something,” replied Clarisse.
“Say, haven’t we met before?” Tek squinted at her.
Clarisse blinked. Had they met before?
Remember the mission, she thought, looking at Tek’s kind dark eyes.
“Can I buy you a drink?” she blurted, all her seduction lessons, which she had uploaded via neural hyperlink on the trip to Califzona, forgotten.
Meangar said an expletive. Tek chuckled and tucked it under one arm.
“Where are you from?” asked Tek.
“I’m from… all over,” Clarisse replied. She started to play with her shoulder-length black hair. He really was quite handsome.
“I’m Tek,” he said, and Clarisse smiled at him. He held out his hand and Clarisse took it to shake it, and he brushed a kiss across her knuckles.
“I’m Clarisse,” she replied. She was acutely aware of having just finished a hike outside in the hot sun with a heavy pack on her back.
“I’ll buy you that drink,” Tek said.
“I’ll kill you first,” Meangar snarled.
Clarisse looked at Tek.
“You get used to it,” Tek said, patting the jar.
“I’ll meet you down in the lobby at seven?” Clarisse replied. Her heart was pounding. Normally she was a lot more composed about her assignments, but this was… this was Tek Jansen.
She found herself grinning stupidly.
“’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves,” she said.
“Jabberwocky?” he said.
“Jabberwocky,” she replied. “There are Jabberwocks on my home world.” A stray curl of hair escaped from his forehead and she smoothed it back.
“You both smell like Limburger!” yelled Meangar.
“I’ll enter it in the pet contest before we meet,” said Tek, patting the jar, and Clarisse smiled, suddenly shy.
“Seven, in the lobby,” she replied, and Tek smiled down at her. She blushed.
“I’ll see you then,” he said, and turned away, walking down the hotel hall corridor as Meangar started screaming about kidneys and piñatas.
That evening, Clarisse patted her carefully coiffed hair (in which a number of recording devices and weapons were placed), and wriggled her toes in her specialty pumps (which had a vial of sleeping potion located in the heel, and when activated, could eject four-inch steel spikes from the toe). She had let the charms of the dashing Tek Jansen get to her head before, but now she would be all business. It was time for her to get those codes.
She made her way, slinking as seductively as she could, to the bar in the hotel lobby, and looked around for Tek.
He hadn’t arrived yet. In the distance, she heard Meangar screaming something about its eternal revenge and how much it hoped to kill everyone in earshot someday. Ah, apparently it was being entered into the pet contest.
She walked up to the bar and seated herself at one end. Behind the bar, a glowing green metallic chimp shook a cocktail shaker.
“Hi,” it said. “What can I get for you?”
“Hi,” replied Clarisse. “I’m waiting for a friend.”
“It wouldn’t happen to be Tek Jansen, would it?”
Clarisse started. Was she that transparent?
Behind the bar, the robotic chimp took out a cloth and started polishing the counter.
“Well… well, yes. I was hoping to talk to Mr. Jansen.”
The chimp straightened his little black bow tie.
“I know him,” he said. “Before I got this job, I worked with him on his spacecraft. I was loyal. He was not.”
Clarisse hesitated. “Oh?” she replied.
“He left me in a space void, circling a black hole,” said the robotic chimp. “I’m C.A.S.E.Y.”
Clarisse switched on her recording devices. Maybe she could use this story to blackmail Tek into giving her the codes to stop the machinery on her home world.
For the next fifteen minutes, C.A.S.E.Y. told her a story of sadness- of a robotic chimp unappreciated and abandoned, and Clarisse felt her heart hardening against the charming and handsome Tek Jansen. How could he abandon his loyal robotic friend? How many scrapes had they been in together, how many times had C.A.S.E.Y helped Tek, only to be left in a cold void in space, awaiting rescue, which came quite a long time after Tek had left promising to be back soon?
“He doesn’t know I’m here,” said C.A.S.E.Y. “I plan on confronting him once and for all, here in this bar.”
Clarisse patted the robotic chimp’s arm.
“I had no idea he was so cruel,” she said. “This puts him in a whole new light for me.”
C.A.S.E.Y. looked over at her, dispassionately.
“Everyone loves him,” he said. “You will too, no doubt, once he’s here.”
“Clarisse?” said a familiar baritone. Clarisse turned and saw Tek.
He had changed into his dress uniform and looked even more handsome than she had remembered him. His brown eyes crinkled behind his glasses as he smiled at her. She swallowed.
“Hello,” she said, and remembered C.A.S.E.Y. Her expression hardened.
“Remember this robot?” she asked, gesturing at the chimp.
Tek looked and an expression of delighted surprise swept across his chiseled features.
“C.A.S.E.Y.! I thought I had lost you forever in that space void. Meangar told me you had gotten a ride with the rest of Alpha Squad Seven, and it wasn’t until I had gotten it drunk on chlorofugue gas fumes that it confessed to me that it had lied about you. Are you okay?”
Clarisse and C.A.S.E.Y. both froze for a second, then the chimp broke down, sobbing.
“I thought you had abandoned me!”
“Abandon you? You are one of my most loyal followers! What would I do without you? I have missed you since I lost you,” said Tek. He reached across the bar and patted C.A.S.E.Y.’s glowing green shoulders.
Clarisse bit her lip. She couldn’t really blackmail Tek for something that had been the fault of his obnoxious little pet.
She waited until the robot stopped crying and then cleared her throat. Her seduction lessons were coming back.
“So,” she said, putting a hand on Tek’s arm, “tell me about yourself, Tek.”
She led him over to a small secluded table. Over the next few hours, she practiced dumping space champagne in the mouth of a Califzonian pitcher plant instead of drinking it, while Tek drank most of two bottles, supplied by a grateful C.A.S.E.Y. on the house. She had to start taking sips once the pitcher plant had started to hiccup.
He was an entertaining speaker and even when somewhat inebriated, he was charming and graceful. One sip of the heady space champagne after another, and Clarisse found herself telling him about her childhood on Ontington, and the Jabberwocks, and finally, the widespread scourge of the fracking machines.
“If only there were some way to stop them,” she said, tearfully, touching his muscular arm.
Tek leaned in toward her.
“Stick with me, baby doll,” he said. “If it would stop you from crying I’d shut each one down myself.”
Clarisse looked over at him. Her large eyes were shining.
“Really? You’d help me? But- but your government-”
Tek flashed a huge and perfect grin.
“They don’t tell me what to do,” he said. “C’mon. Let’s grab C.A.S.E.Y and get into my NinjaBlaster 9000 scout ship, and save those Jabberwocks.”
Clarisse knew there would be complications. It couldn’t quite be this simple, could it?
“If you gave me the codes to shut down the equipment, I could relay them to the Ontingonian secret service and we could just stay here,” she said.
Tek reached up and smoothed a lock of hair behind her ear.
“Where’s the fun in that?” he said, and kissed her.