A good man passed

My good friend’s father, Larry Parker, died recently.

I really cared about this man for a variety of reasons, but that’s not why I’m making this post.

I think I know who is behind his death. I think I know why, if not how, and hell, I might even have insight into how from contemplating my own father’s death.

Both of these men will not be unavenged.

I see you. I’m a data analyst and I have mild OCD, I see patterns really vividly that are murky to others.

I see you. I know you see these posts.

I remember quite a lot, actually. You should have been more careful.

Tick.

Tock.

On Hamlet’s play

I’ve gotten a question about which posts constitute what I am, in retrospect, calling my “Hamlet’s play” series. Here is a list, in no particular order: Checkmate, A New Year and Some Old Thoughts, Happy Valentine’s Day, October 6th, Character Diary Entry, To The World, The Smartest Woman in the World. All of these feature an abusive figure I call Evelyn. There may be additional entries that would fall into this list, but I think this is enough to give you an idea of the tone and content of this series.

Just as I have no proof that I have ever interacted with President Trump (and I talk about him elsewhere), I have no proof that I have ever met, interacted with, or communicated with Evelyn (who is a real person). All I have are memories which surfaced long after the events I described in the above, and other events I haven’t yet written about, occurred. They came in fragments, bits and pieces, and because I am not certain the actual person Evelyn did these things- perhaps I am mistaken- I have to be careful about making accusations. Evelyn also has quite a lot more wealth and power than I do.

The only pieces of data that would point to my having truly recounted actual events in the above posts and ones they link to, are if either of these individuals- Evelyn, or President Trump- were to indicate publicly that they have been in contact with me somehow. It seems unlikely, of course, which is why I have made no attempt to publicize these interactions or seek investigations of them. However, in the unlikely event that I am brought up publicly as someone who has interacted with either of these individuals, well, I hope this document and the ones it links to can be useful. I admit that the pieces I wrote for all of the above are fictionalized, but they are based on what feel to me like very real incidents. Hence the term “Hamlet’s play”.

Enjoy.

A small update

Hello, readers! I plan to release my second episode of Solving the Pandemic (described in my last post) next week- I have been too busy to get to researching and writing it, but this might actually be fine since I have been circulating information about it to people and if there are two episodes, they might miss the first, possibly more important episode.

I’ve also resurrected some ideas of mine laying dormant which deal with microbial soil ecology, and I’m pleased that I picked them up again because I think they might lead to an interesting finding. I spent several hours today figuring out an analytical method I had used years ago for a somewhat new purpose, and everything works fine, so that’s good.

What this means for my fiction writing is that it’s on hiatus. I have my most recently finished novel out for critique from friends, but I haven’t made progress on any of my creative writing projects recently. I don’t know about you, but I am finding sustained productivity to be difficult with the pandemic looming over us all. I also have my own personal issues- trauma, which manifests in my “Hamlet’s play” series of accusatory and strange mini-stories that I’ve sprinkled throughout this blog, and bipolar disorder. I might compile the “Hamlet’s play” thoughts into a single narrative, and if I feel especially emboldened, I’ll perform it as a fiction podcast.

In the meantime, stay tuned for next week’s podcast episode on how clinical trials are conducted (I’m focusing on the USA in this instance). Thanks for reading.

Been busy: new podcast!

Hello, readers- I’ve been busy trying to advertise a science idea I had on March 28th, and it is actually pretty difficult to do this. I have always had a pretty hard time being taken seriously as a scientist, and being bipolar doesn’t make this easier. I am not entirely sure why, although I rather suspect it’s because I do not think the same way everyone else does 100% of the time. I seem suspiciously creative, perhaps- maybe “too out there”. And my gender might make me seem less authoritative, even when I actually know more of what I am talking about than my audience.

In any case, I am trying a variety of avenues to bring attention to my idea- I find this rather grating because it requires me to promote myself at the same time, and I hate doing this. I started a podcast, and the first episode is here:

The science blog post where I describe the idea I had as well as the difficulties I face trying to get it to the right people is here. I also describe these somewhat in the episode. And I’ve also managed to create video content (a static image plus audio which I managed to record in my closet and cobble together, editing out clicks from my phone and the odd cat meow). My YouTube channel is SolvingThePandemic, and the first video is here.

What this all means in terms of my fiction writing is that it’s temporarily on hold. I do have ambitious plans, or at least they seem ambitious when I add them to the load of other things I am currently working on (some of which, like trying to spread this idea, seem a little more important than others).

This podcast has been teaching me valuable skills, so even if I fail completely at reaching an audience aside from a few friends and relatives, I feel very much like it’s not a wasted effort. And in a month or two when someone better-connected has this same idea, perhaps an internet sleuth will find my work and bring it up. This seems defeatist, and perhaps it is- I’m tired, I still haven’t 100% recovered my equilibrium from dealing with bipolar symptoms not so long ago, and I know I lack a platform. I also don’t know if just having a good idea is enough to get it taken seriously. So much of whether we listen to someone depends on whether we think that person can have something useful or important to say, and unfortunately I’ve struck out many times on that basis even though the ideas I was sharing were, eventually, proven by others to be valuable. It doesn’t matter if you’re right, if no one is prepared to listen, no one will.

In my science blog I mention putting together a hypothesis and companion proposal paper relevant to the pandemic for public archives- I am still turning these over in my mind, only since the archives won’t take short speculative papers I have to submit them to a journal that will take something like a hypothesis. I can reformat my work to be shorter and have fewer references, but this kind of impairs readability, so I’m considering what options are offered by different venues, and what I can afford (scientists usually have to pay to publish their work, for which they are never financially compensated later, and if you think that is a giant ripoff, you are right).

I’m no longer in much of a rush to publish my thoughts formally in a written document- the one idea I really need to circulate rapidly is the one about leveraging clinical trials to try to find solutions to the pandemic in a more rapid fashion, and I laid out all my thinking both in my science blog and in my podcast episode. So I figure if I can reach someone with pull in the clinical research community, that’s all I need- I just need one fairly well-connected person to listen just long enough to understand my point and then my part in this is over.

So while I consider what publishing options I have for my hypothesis paper and associated thoughts relevant to the pandemic, such as how dysbiosis (imbalanced intestinal microflora) might contribute, I will put out as many little podcast episodes as I can (the first is under 12 minutes, and none will be very long). I figure at least I can help inspire and provide hope to the general listener that things will some day go back to normal, and I can hone my skills while I do so. Maybe in time I’ll offer fiction in this audio format, so attempting a podcast is definitely not a waste of time.

In the meantime, please listen to my podcast, and share the first episode if you can.

On Trump

Now, dear readers, I have absolutely no proof- none- that I have ever spoken to Dear Leader Donald John Trump, and I freely admit this.

However.

Should the occasion arise where people may wonder why he’s mentioned me somehow, here are a few conversations or events involving him and his family that seem very real to me, as summarized in a few posts: TreasonCaveatCharacter Diary Entry. I’ve mentioned Trump or “the man in the hotel” more than once at other points as well. The story that has occurred to me intersects with another, involving a figure I am simply calling Evelyn (and I wrote about her a fair bit as well). These thoughts/ memories about Trump have inspired a couple of story ideas that I’m calling Cloak and The Accidental Spy. I am currently replotting Cloak and putting down ideas as they occur for both of these.

What’s real? I don’t know, I’m bipolar, and I’ve been struggling with really odd ideas for years now, and especially the last day or two. They are very convincing, but I have no proof that they occurred. Objectively, they seem unlikely. I’ve been told that they can’t be real.

However. I am not entirely, 100% convinced that I’m making everything up.

For some of of the interactions between myself and Dear Leader or other Trumps, I felt very strongly like there was at least one trustworthy witness, a man. I believe he recorded some conversations. If suddenly this blog, or my science project site, is brought to the public’s attention because people are investigating me, maybe he will come forward. He will also probably have witnessed at least some of the workplace abuse I am complaining of in my last post.

Waiting and watching with interest.

Update: I mentioned elsewhere that I’m having trouble keeping the year straight. This is only partly true. I think I may be getting calls where it’s fairly convincing to me that it’s 2016. This is impossible, right? For me, now, those calls were three and a half years ago. I’m aware that it’s currently 2020. But, for whatever reason, my phone and computer and internet pages and office setting when I get the calls appears/ appeared to me to be 2016. I had/have no knowledge of the pandemic or of Trump being President.

I wonder what this psychological phenomenon is called? It’s spawned so many story ideas about time travel.

I’m also wondering what year I’ll be in should I get a call right now. Should I ever be called to testify this phenomenon is going to make testimony quite difficult.

Publishing dilemma

Hello readers! I have a dilemma.

I submitted a paper to BioRxiv today with a coauthor’s name on it. Problem is, I’m not sure that I’ve been communicating with this actual person- I’m not sure the person who’s been answering the emails I have sent is actually him. He hasn’t wanted to discuss science with me at all, and this is an established full professor of pathology at UCLA. The subject material in the papers I sent him is interesting, relates to his field and also his business (he is part of a company selling a probiotic) and I’d expect him to have some kind of comment on the analyses- but there’s nothing. There never has been, which has always made me so suspicious, but the email address I’m using for him is the one on his UCLA web page. And when I phone him, I seem to get him. I asked twice today via email for detailed comments, before I submitted the papers, and I got stuff like “it flows nicely”, and “excellently written”. I wanted to get some indication of the flaws of each paper. At least the second one, the more time-critical one in my mind because it relates to the pandemic, has only my name on it, so that one should go through- but it leans on the first paper.

Now, I admit I’m paranoid, and I’ve had past nightmares about a stalker interfering with my ability to communicate with others, especially through written media (but also via phone calls and voicemails). It’s a very long story, but now I’m really worried that I put a coauthor on a paper that he’s never seen and has no ideas about, and that it will get flagged and withdrawn for that, and not just that, but he will think badly of me and not want to work with me in future (it’s really bad form to put someone on a paper and try to publish it without them being able to comment on and agree to being on the paper!).

I’ve written before about this possible stalker, more than once. I am calling these pieces, which are sprinkled throughout this blog, my “Hamlet’s play” series, and the most disturbing of these are Checkmate and A New Year, and Some Old Thoughts. I’ve thought and thought about this person, and who she might be, and while I have a hypothesis I have no way to test it. I can’t accuse this person openly, as I have no proof, and since they are married to a celebrity, they have a lot more power than I do. If I were to accuse them directly of the really egregious kinds of abuse I’ve suffered, or think I have (again, I have no proof, just traumatic memories and what feels a lot like PTSD) I will seem like the crazy stalker. And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this person is harmless, I’ve never been attacked, and it is simply my brain playing tricks on me.

It is most likely that my colleague knows who I am and has actually been in contact- I mean, it would take enormous effort for someone to get access to my emails or his emails or both of our emails in order to impersonate him, and the emails I am getting come from his UCLA account. So I am probably worried for nothing. But I can’t help but think that, somehow, my stalker has offered bribes or other inducements to get others to cooperate, and I remember in 2016 people I didn’t know were often in my office, and more than once I caught a woman I didn’t know messing with my work computer.

It’s really, really hard to relax when one’s brain keeps entertaining them with this sort of information. Well, there are two possibilities: either nothing has happened, and I do not have to fear this stalker at all/any more, or something has happened, I have been bullied (at least in this instance, where I am isolated from other scientists, since I communicate long distance primarily via email), and not only have I lost opportunities to ask for help, other researchers have also lost the opportunity to talk to me and perhaps be inspired by what I have to say. I’m not stupid. I have good ideas. I would have liked to investigate my own ideas, the ones I am providing in hypothesis form in the BioRxiv paper, rigorously and well. It’s entirely possible that these opportunities were stolen from me- not just in this instance, but since I was a graduate student in 1996 or so and a pushy woman I didn’t know kept forcing herself on the computer I was using for email, insisting she needed to gain access to it before I could log off. Everywhere I’ve worked, I have had interesting or innovative ideas which I would put into an email and share, or made requests for help, and I always wondered why no one ever replied, or if they did, it was mostly with only a sentence or two. Is it just that everyone is busy with their own work, or… ?

I guess I find out if the archive managers contact my colleague and he has no idea about this paper, or that I’ve been in “communication” with him all these years. If he remembers me and has indeed read it, then I have one less thing to worry about. I’m not going to rest easy until I know it’s going through and even though that doesn’t mean I’ve never been bullied, at least I can feel a little more like it’s not still currently happening to me. It would be nice to feel safe again. This is a recurring theme with what comes up when I talk to my therapist, and so I’m aware that these fears I have might be unfounded and not literally real things… but my suspicions keep on prodding me, and bringing up the fact that what I fear is possible, if someone with ample time and money hated me enough to stalk me and sabotage my career. If my stalker did the things I outlined in the two above referenced blog posts from this site, and my other posts about her, sabotaging my career would not be the worst thing she has done.

I guess I find out- by waiting to see what happens now.