I discovered Tek Jansen in 2018. I was sad that the entire novel Stephen Colbert had been working on was not posted on the Tek Jansen website, but maybe someday he will publish it. I did buy and read the graphic novel, and so most of the information I gleaned about this character came from either the novel segments I came across, or the graphic novel. I had an issue with how Tek treated his robotic chimp sidekick C.A.S.E.Y., so I addressed that in this story, and I basically made up the rest. Clarisse Diamond is the name of a protagonist of a novel-in-progress I have set aside for the moment, but plan to get back to.
I actually am fairly certain I met Stephen at some point in my past, but it’s really quite impossible for me to contact him to ask. I did send this little story to his work address, hoping someone would read it and show it to him. In my past, if I saw him I never recognized him, and have no selfies to prove this was the case, so it’s still a matter of debate for whether I saw him or merely someone that looked like him. In any case, I recall talking to someone that looked like him on my doorstep in California, a long time ago, and I recall us talking about Jabberwocky. I added that tidbit in, too.
I hope you enjoy this little foray into fan fiction.
Spy Vs. Spy: A Tek Jansen Adventure
It was a sunny morning on the planet
Califzona, and Clarisse Diamond angled her telephoto lens toward the hotel that
the galaxy’s greatest hero, Tek Jansen, was currently asleep in. She aimed the
lens toward the window of the penthouse suite. Her contact was in the window, a
willowy green creature with leafy hair, photosynthesizing. She was not holding
a cup of fertilizer. This was the signal- if Tek Jansen was with her, she would
appear alone in the window, nothing in her hands.
Clarisse packed her equipment back in
her tactical backpack and made her way down the rough scree of the slope she
had been perched on. Only one thing to do. She had to use Tek Jansen’s
notorious libido against him, gain his trust, and ferret out the secrets she
needed to save her doomed home world from destruction. Tek’s government had set
up robotic fracking sites on 90% of the small moon Ontington’s surface, sucking
up its mineral wealth but destroying Ontington’s ecosystems and fragile
tectonic crusts in the process- the only way to stop the machines was to gain
access to codes that only Tek knew.
Could she rely on Tek’s better
nature? Clarisse considered this as she made her way down to the doors of the
Hotel Elegante, where Tek Jansen was staying. She didn’t know. She couldn’t
take the chance.
The Hotel Elegante was hosting a pet
show. Clarisse would find him and seduce him there.
She was booked into a room one floor
below Tek’s suite, and carried her tactical backpack with its
quantum-dimensional interior pockets, one of which contained a selection of
evening gowns. The backpack was pretty heavy as a result, even though it only
appeared to be a cubic foot in size. She placed it on the bed and the bed
Clarisse was about to take a shower
when there was a knock on the door. She eyeballed the door with suspicion. Her
contact was supposed to find Tek and then let her know what room he was in- she
was supposed to leave after that. Who could this be? A maid?
Clarisse belted her hotel robe around
her more tightly and answered the door.
“It’s this one, just go right in,”
grated a gravelly voice. Clarisse blinked. At her door was a tall, muscular
figure, fully dressed in a tight Spandex uniform complete with cape and
epaulets, his dark hair curling down slightly over his forehead. Tek Jansen
held up a glass container in which an ugly dark substance swirled.
“It’s right here,” said the
“Meangar, I don’t think that this is
the spa,” replied Tek.
“It’s not,” said Clarisse, slightly
breathlessly. Tek, in person, was almost overwhelming.
Get the codes, girl, she told herself, sternly. She had
a mission, the entire population of her native moon was depending on her.
“Sorry to have bothered you,” said
Tek, and was about to turn away when Clarisse touched his arm.
“No, it’s fine. Is this your pet?”
She gestured toward the swirling blackness in the glass jar.
“You’re an ugly loser and you’ll die
alone,” grated the blackness.
“Isn’t it cute? This is Meangar,”
replied Tek, patting the jar fondly.
“It’s something,” replied Clarisse.
“Say, haven’t we met before?” Tek
squinted at her.
Clarisse blinked. Had they met
Remember the mission, she thought, looking at Tek’s kind
“Can I buy you a drink?” she blurted,
all her seduction lessons, which she had uploaded via neural hyperlink on the
trip to Califzona, forgotten.
Meangar said an expletive. Tek
chuckled and tucked it under one arm.
“Where are you from?” asked Tek.
“I’m from… all over,” Clarisse
replied. She started to play with her shoulder-length black hair. He really was
“I’m Tek,” he said, and Clarisse
smiled at him. He held out his hand and Clarisse took it to shake it, and he
brushed a kiss across her knuckles.
“I’m Clarisse,” she replied. She was
acutely aware of having just finished a hike outside in the hot sun with a
heavy pack on her back.
“I’ll buy you that drink,” Tek said.
“I’ll kill you first,” Meangar
Clarisse looked at Tek.
“You get used to it,” Tek said,
patting the jar.
“I’ll meet you down in the lobby at
seven?” Clarisse replied. Her heart was pounding. Normally she was a lot more
composed about her assignments, but this was… this was Tek Jansen.
She found herself grinning stupidly.
“’Twas brillig, and the slithy
toves,” she said.
“Jabberwocky?” he said.
“Jabberwocky,” she replied. “There
are Jabberwocks on my home world.” A stray curl of hair escaped from his
forehead and she smoothed it back.
“You both smell like Limburger!”
“I’ll enter it in the pet contest
before we meet,” said Tek, patting the jar, and Clarisse smiled, suddenly shy.
“Seven, in the lobby,” she replied,
and Tek smiled down at her. She blushed.
“I’ll see you then,” he said, and
turned away, walking down the hotel hall corridor as Meangar started screaming about
kidneys and piñatas.
That evening, Clarisse patted her
carefully coiffed hair (in which a number of recording devices and weapons were
placed), and wriggled her toes in her specialty pumps (which had a vial of
sleeping potion located in the heel, and when activated, could eject four-inch
steel spikes from the toe). She had let the charms of the dashing Tek Jansen
get to her head before, but now she would be all business. It was time for her
to get those codes.
She made her way, slinking as
seductively as she could, to the bar in the hotel lobby, and looked around for
He hadn’t arrived yet. In the
distance, she heard Meangar screaming something about its eternal revenge and
how much it hoped to kill everyone in earshot someday. Ah, apparently it was
being entered into the pet contest.
She walked up to the bar and seated
herself at one end. Behind the bar, a glowing green metallic chimp shook a
“Hi,” it said. “What can I get for
“Hi,” replied Clarisse. “I’m waiting
for a friend.”
“It wouldn’t happen to be Tek Jansen,
Clarisse started. Was she that
Behind the bar, the robotic chimp
took out a cloth and started polishing the counter.
“Well… well, yes. I was hoping to
talk to Mr. Jansen.”
The chimp straightened his little
black bow tie.
“I know him,” he said. “Before I got
this job, I worked with him on his spacecraft. I was loyal. He was not.”
Clarisse hesitated. “Oh?” she
“He left me in a space void, circling
a black hole,” said the robotic chimp. “I’m C.A.S.E.Y.”
Clarisse switched on her recording
devices. Maybe she could use this story to blackmail Tek into giving her the
codes to stop the machinery on her home world.
For the next fifteen minutes,
C.A.S.E.Y. told her a story of sadness- of a robotic chimp unappreciated and
abandoned, and Clarisse felt her heart hardening against the charming and
handsome Tek Jansen. How could he abandon his loyal robotic friend? How many
scrapes had they been in together, how many times had C.A.S.E.Y helped Tek,
only to be left in a cold void in space, awaiting rescue, which came quite a
long time after Tek had left promising to be back soon?
“He doesn’t know I’m here,” said
C.A.S.E.Y. “I plan on confronting him once and for all, here in this bar.”
Clarisse patted the robotic chimp’s
“I had no idea he was so cruel,” she
said. “This puts him in a whole new light for me.”
C.A.S.E.Y. looked over at her,
“Everyone loves him,” he said. “You
will too, no doubt, once he’s here.”
“Clarisse?” said a familiar baritone.
Clarisse turned and saw Tek.
He had changed into his dress uniform
and looked even more handsome than she had remembered him. His brown eyes
crinkled behind his glasses as he smiled at her. She swallowed.
“Hello,” she said, and remembered
C.A.S.E.Y. Her expression hardened.
“Remember this robot?” she asked,
gesturing at the chimp.
Tek looked and an expression of
delighted surprise swept across his chiseled features.
“C.A.S.E.Y.! I thought I had lost you
forever in that space void. Meangar told me you had gotten a ride with the rest
of Alpha Squad Seven, and it wasn’t until I had gotten it drunk on chlorofugue
gas fumes that it confessed to me that it had lied about you. Are you okay?”
Clarisse and C.A.S.E.Y. both froze
for a second, then the chimp broke down, sobbing.
“I thought you had abandoned me!”
“Abandon you? You are one of my most
loyal followers! What would I do without you? I have missed you since I lost
you,” said Tek. He reached across the bar and patted C.A.S.E.Y.’s glowing green
Clarisse bit her lip. She couldn’t
really blackmail Tek for something that had been the fault of his obnoxious
She waited until the robot stopped
crying and then cleared her throat. Her seduction lessons were coming back.
“So,” she said, putting a hand on
Tek’s arm, “tell me about yourself, Tek.”
She led him over to a small secluded
table. Over the next few hours, she practiced dumping space champagne in the
mouth of a Califzonian pitcher plant instead of drinking it, while Tek drank
most of two bottles, supplied by a grateful C.A.S.E.Y. on the house. She had to
start taking sips once the pitcher plant had started to hiccup.
He was an entertaining speaker and
even when somewhat inebriated, he was charming and graceful. One sip of the
heady space champagne after another, and Clarisse found herself telling him
about her childhood on Ontington, and the Jabberwocks, and finally, the
widespread scourge of the fracking machines.
“If only there were some way to stop
them,” she said, tearfully, touching his muscular arm.
Tek leaned in toward her.
“Stick with me, baby doll,” he said.
“If it would stop you from crying I’d shut each one down myself.”
Clarisse looked over at him. Her
large eyes were shining.
“Really? You’d help me? But- but your
Tek flashed a huge and perfect grin.
“They don’t tell me what to do,” he
said. “C’mon. Let’s grab C.A.S.E.Y and get into my NinjaBlaster 9000 scout
ship, and save those Jabberwocks.”
Clarisse knew there would be
complications. It couldn’t quite be this simple, could it?
“If you gave me the codes to shut
down the equipment, I could relay them to the Ontingonian secret service and we
could just stay here,” she said.
Tek reached up and smoothed a lock of
hair behind her ear.
“Where’s the fun in that?” he said,
and kissed her.