I’ve apparently been discovered by Russian spambots, as I now have over half of the spam from my feedback form showing up in Cyrillic. There is not a single legitimate message, so I actually do not feel too badly for hardly ever checking it.
I also have been busy with some personal housecleaning of old, expired friendships with people who don’t deserve my time. I actually was pretty kind to them, generous with my emotional energy, my time, thoughtful gifts, etc., and I’ve either been insulted outright or simply ignored for months on end- or when interacted with, emotionally manipulated to make our relationships seem more important than they actually are. When I sit quietly and evaluate what I actually have received from these women (and in this instance, it is a circle of women) versus what they have done to harm me directly, or how they have manipulated me in various ways, I see that I was taken for a ride. Quite a long one- over a decade in each instance, and for several, a couple of decades or more.
I gave it some thought and I decided that the Spartan or false nature of the affections given to me by different people in this group all added up to a pretty shitty pile of concealed abuse. Just because someone smiles at you and gives you a pretty compliment does not mean they aren’t, when your back is turned, stealing your wallet or shanking you. And if you write a heartfelt note to someone and it is never answered for over a year, again, that person either has to tell you how they wish you to communicate, or they are really not worth your time. I’m figuring it’s the latter.
I ordinarily would not share this sort of thing here, but as with much of my psychological processing, this entire process of analyzing my past, evaluating the worth of each individual, and determining if they merit keeping has inspired me to concoct a set of stories. I am keeping the details under wraps but it will be quite cathartic, and involves infernal justice.
I mentioned in my last post that I’d like to try my hand at writing a series of scripts and then attempting to make recordings of them in podcast form, and then releasing the set one episode at a time once I have the entire set finished (I cannot guarantee consistent productivity and so it’s important for continuity and a successful series release that I do my podcasting this way, instead of trying to record content one week at a time. Just trust me on this, when you are bipolar this sort of thing, which if I were healthy would only take me a day here or there, will sometimes remain unfinished for weeks on end; if you want to release a series you had better have it finished before you start releasing and promoting it).
I’m thinking that my new series might make a fun and for many people, relatable set of scripts, although I am my only resource for voice acting, so I’d have to read entire stories without any voice training. I am trying to decide if I should write short stories, where one person can read the stories aloud, or if I should write actual radio play type scripts meant to be acted by multiple people, and including sound effects. I have no resources to do the latter, but I admit if I could afford it, I would prefer that.
My personal drama has inspired a few other ideas, some of them kind of bizarre, to do with the shape of my life and whether people in it that I had sort of automatically given trust to deserve it, and I have general concepts for additional installments in my quasi-autobiography (a set of interconnected stories detailing themes or series of events in my life, which may or may not be literally true, but which make for really interesting tales). I won’t describe these here except to say that the Soviet Union makes an appearance in one of them.
And finally, I am still inspired to add yet more plot points to the outline I have for a series that I really would like to see made into a TV show, mostly because I think it lends itself best to a visual storytelling format; I started out calling it October 6th, and it’s inspired by a lot of my life’s events, most of them true, some imagined, I am sure. My lucky escape from what I think was supposed to be a double murder framed as a murder-suicide is central to this story and yes, I really do recall events which are deeply disturbing, and while the nature of trauma is such that I may be wrong about details, I’m not wrong about some things I’ve remembered for over 15 years now.
I’ve toyed with trying to take some of my ideas and roll them into a concept like “circle of co-conspirators tries to make mentally ill woman, who is ill because of complex PTSD caused by abuse and is not actually psychotic, suffer in ways that genuinely happen but are so bizarre that no one believes her” but I think that this was already covered in the film GASLIGHT and probably other stories as well. The adage “Just because you are paranoid, it does not mean they are not out to get you” holds for many of the strange ideas I have had. I admit, yes, many of them are indeed paranoid. I was taught by psychiatrists that I should not believe in paranoid thoughts- but I think they have done me a disservice, in that rejecting 100% of my paranoid thoughts renders me vulnerable to people who wish to manipulate and attack me and conceal what they are doing. If everything I allege is considered false because of my diagnosis, or because multiple people in a conspiracy step up and all claim that I’m the problem, then how can I defend myself if I am, in reality, attacked? A little skepticism helps me maintain both an unwillingness to believe everything I think is literally true, while also believing that people I used to trust might actually not be so great for me after all. It’s this last thing that I have struggled with since October of last year, and which I am at peace with now.
I may or may not be the victim of a conspiracy, but what matters to me is that I am standing up for myself and removing toxic relationships from my life, while at the same time being inspired by the psychological process of discovery of how toxic these relationships were. I am not lying when I say I have upwards of 80 project ideas centering on different stories. I am, each day, constantly inspired by things I read, hear, think of, or experience.
I am unsure how to write up my podcast series, so I would like to consider that a little longer while I work on the pilot episode of October 6th (I should probably format that title differently, but it did start out as a short story). I have the entire episode plotted, I just have to write it up and put in more details about some scenes and settings, but essentially, the main work is done. My work on that was derailed when I started focusing on data analysis ideas and started to teach myself about drone and satellite image acquisition, analysis, and data uses, all work which I think may help me find a job once I am allowed to seek employment in the USA. I will be working once again on the image stuff in coming weeks, but for this coming weekend, if I get a chance to sit quietly I plan on fleshing out the notes I’ve made for my pilot episode. I have no idea what to do with it next, aside from letting it sit and going back to it later, but I will feel better for having finished some writing.
Thank you if you read this far, and if you are a Russian bot, no, I do not want to buy Cialis.